2. ughjxnna:


    (via gayleywi11iams)


  3. caseyanthonyofficial:

    I hate when I smile at a stranger and they don’t smile back I’m doing this for you fucker

    (via carelessly)

  4. aneternalscoutandabrownie:


    This is literally a Tumblr classroom.



    (via alwaysinthedeepend)


    1. Baby: www
    2. Mother: one? Wuv? Do you wuv me?
    3. Baby: w-ww- Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon.
    4. Many brave knights had attempted to
    5. free her from this dreadful prison,
    6. but non prevailed. She waited in the
    7. dragon's keep in the highest room of
    8. the tallest tower for her true love
    9. and true love's first kiss. (laughs)
    10. Like that's ever gonna happen. What
    11. a load of - (toilet flush)
    12. Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his
    13. day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go
    14. after the ogre.
    16. MAN1
    17. Think it's in there?
    18. MAN2
    19. All right. Let's get it!
    20. MAN1
    21. Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that
    22. thing can do to you?
    23. MAN3
    24. Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's
    25. bread.
    26. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs.
    27. SHREK
    28. Yes, well, actually, that would be a
    29. giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse.
    30. They'll make a suit from your freshly
    31. peeled skin.
    32. MEN
    33. No!
    34. SHREK
    35. They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the
    36. jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's
    37. quite good on toast.
    38. MAN1
    39. Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!
    40. (waves the torch at Shrek.)
    41. Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The
    42. men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long
    43. and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the
    44. men are in the dark.
    45. SHREK
    46. This is the part where you run away.
    47. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)
    48. And stay out! (looks down and picks
    49. up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.
    50. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and
    51. throws the paper over his shoulder.)
    52. THE NEXT DAY
    53. There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard
    54. sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures
    55. to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line
    56. are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto
    57. who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three
    58. little pigs.
    59. GUARD
    60. All right. This one's full. Take it
    61. away! Move it along. Come on! Get up!
    62. HEAD GUARD
    63. Next!
    64. GUARD
    65. (taking the witch's broom) Give me that!
    66. Your flying days are over. (breaks the
    67. broom in half)
    68. HEAD GUARD
    69. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.
    70. Next!
    71. GUARD
    72. Get up! Come on!
    73. HEAD GUARD
    74. Twenty pieces.
    76. (crying) This cage is too small.
    77. DONKEY
    78. Please, don't turn me in. I'll never
    79. be stubborn again. I can change. Please!
    80. Give me another chance!
    81. OLD WOMAN
    82. Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)
    83. DONKEY
    84. Oh!
    85. HEAD GUARD
    86. Next! What have you got?
    87. GIPETTO
    88. This little wooden puppet.
    90. I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his
    91. nose grows)
    92. HEAD GUARD
    93. Five shillings for the possessed toy.
    94. Take it away.
    96. Father, please! Don't let them do this!
    97. Help me!
    98. Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up
    99. to the table.
    100. HEAD GUARD
    101. Next! What have you got?
    102. OLD WOMAN
    103. Well, I've got a talking donkey.
    104. HEAD GUARD
    105. Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,
    106. if you can prove it.
    107. OLD WOMAN
    108. Oh, go ahead, little fella.
    109. Donkey just looks up at her.
    110. HEAD GUARD
    111. Well?
    112. OLD WOMAN
    113. Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little
    114. nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox.
    115. Talk, you boneheaded dolt...
    116. HEAD GUARD
    117. That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
    118. OLD WOMAN
    119. No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends
    120. to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to
    121. talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing
    122. you ever saw.
    123. HEAD GUARD
    124. Get her out of my sight.
    125. OLD WOMAN
    126. No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk!
    127. The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One
    128. of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's
    129. hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled
    130. with fairy dust and he's able to fly.
    131. DONKEY
    132. Hey! I can fly!
    133. PETER PAN
    134. He can fly!
    135. 3 LITTLE PIGS
    136. He can fly!
    137. HEAD GUARD
    138. He can talk!
    139. DONKEY
    140. Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm
    141. a flying, talking donkey. You might
    142. have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly
    143. but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey
    144. fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins
    145. to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink
    146. to the ground.)
    147. He hits the ground with a thud.
    148. HEAD GUARD
    149. Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.)
    150. After him!
    151. GUARDS
    152. He's getting away! Get him! This way!
    153. Turn!
    154. Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally.
    155. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared
    156. for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He
    157. quickly hides behind Shrek.
    158. HEAD GUARD
    159. You there. Ogre!
    160. SHREK
    161. Aye?
    162. HEAD GUARD
    163. By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized
    164. to place you both under arrest and transport
    165. you to a designated resettlement facility.
    166. SHREK
    167. Oh, really? You and what army?
    168. He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well
    169. and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail
    170. and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and
    171. begins walking back to his cottage.
    172. DONKEY
    173. Can I say something to you? Listen,
    174. you was really, really, really somethin'
    175. back here. Incredible!
    176. SHREK
    177. Are you talkin' to...(he turns around
    178. and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back
    179. around and Donkey is right in front
    180. of him.) Whoa!
    181. DONKEY
    182. Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell
    183. you that you that you was great back
    184. here? Those guards! They thought they
    185. was all of that. Then you showed up,
    186. and bam! They was trippin' over themselves
    187. like babes in the woods. That really
    188. made me feel good to see that.
    189. SHREK
    190. Oh, that's great. Really.
    191. DONKEY
    192. Man, it's good to be free.
    193. SHREK
    194. Now, why don't you go celebrate your
    195. freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
    196. DONKEY
    197. But, uh, I don't have any friends. And
    198. I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,
    199. wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll
    200. stick with you. You're mean, green,
    201. fightin' machine. Together we'll scare
    202. the spit out of anybody that crosses
    203. us.
    204. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very
    205. loudly.
    206. DONKEY
    207. Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you
    208. don't mind me sayin', if that don't
    209. work, your breath certainly will get
    210. the job done, 'cause you definitely
    211. need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause
    212. you breath stinks! You almost burned
    213. the hair outta my nose, just like the
    214. time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey
    215. continues to talk, so Shrek removes
    216. his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten
    217. berries. I had strong gases leaking
    218. out of my butt that day.
    219. SHREK
    220. Why are you following me?
    221. DONKEY
    222. I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause
    223. I'm all alone, There's no one here beside
    224. me, My problems have all gone, There's
    225. no one to deride me, But you gotta have
    226. faith...
    227. SHREK
    228. Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't
    229. have any friends.
    230. DONKEY
    231. Wow. Only a true friend would be that
    232. cruelly honest.
    233. SHREK
    234. Listen, little donkey. Take a look at
    235. me. What am I?
    236. DONKEY
    237. (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really
    238. tall?
    239. SHREK
    240. No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your
    241. torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that
    242. bother you?
    243. DONKEY
    244. Nope.
    245. SHREK
    246. Really?
    247. DONKEY
    248. Really, really.
    249. SHREK
    250. Oh.
    251. DONKEY
    252. Man, I like you. What's you name?
    253. SHREK
    254. Uh, Shrek
  7. i-may-be-strange:

    His character was golden and the only reason to watch that train wreck

    (Source: freak-thefreak-out, via shutupsenpai)


  8. simoncowell:











    god shut up u lil shits

    (via oprahsleftnipple)

  9. hecallsmepineappleprincess:

    I died laughing for 8 million years

    (Source: hellyeahphineasandferb, via jeannettehigginbotham)